Three Little Pigs

Because I spend so much of my time in a fantasy world this tickled me...

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her
class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to
gather the building materials for his home. She read: "and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of
fact like: "I think the man would have said -"Well, fuck me! A talking pig!"

Romance is in the air...

Microsoft and GM

At a recent computer expo COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Inner Peace

Dr. Phil proclaims: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished." So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of merlot, a bottle of white zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kalhua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now (Source Unknown).

It exists there. Not here, But now...

Kurt Vonnegut on the Bush Administration

I myself feel that our country, for whose Constitution I fought in a just war, might as well have been invaded by Martians and body snatchers. Sometimes I wish it had been. What has happened, though, is that it has been taken over by means of the sleaziest, low-comedy, Keystone Cops-style coup d'etat imaginable. And those now in charge of the federal government are upper-crust C-students who know no history or geography, plus not-so-closeted white supremacists, aka 'Christians,' and plus, most frighteningly, psychopathic personalities...They are so decisive. They are going to do something every fuckin' day, and they are not afraid. Unlike normal people, they are never filled with doubts, for the simple reason that they don't give a fuck what happens next. Simply can't. Do this! Do that! Mobilize the reserves! Privatize the public schools! Attack Iraq! Cut health care! Tap everybody's telephone! Cut taxes on the rich! Build a trillion-dollar missile shield! Fuck habeas corpus and the Sierra Club and In These Times, and kiss my ass! (Kurt Vonnegut on the Bush Administration)

Robert Mugabe: Dictator

It is very easy to add necromancers to my list with people like Robert Mugabe in the world. His latest antics is beat the hell out of the opposition, literally abducting them and then assaulting them. The opposition leader was badly beaten by police. In the meantime countries like their neighbour South Africa refuse to intervene and continue their policy of "quiet diplomacy". Ridiculous. Maybe I need to get on horse and go an sort him out. “The assaults on Sunday were so terrible and surreal. Like watching a movie except that one was part of the characters. Strangely if it were to happen again many of us would love to be in the front line again. They were hitting us but they were the ones afraid. Our wounds will heal but the scars on their souls are permanent and they will take them to hell” (Message from the Zimbabwean activists beaten up last Sunday).

US Troops and Washington

Regardless of where you stand on the issue of the U.S. involvement in Iraq, here's a sobering statistic.

There has been a monthly average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2,867 deaths.

That gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

The firearm death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000 persons for the same period. That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in the U.S. Capital than you are in Iraq.

Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington.

Nihilism

Here is a quote I could not agree more with: "Nihilism is best done by professionals" (Iggy Pop).

Get Blair the Necromancer to No.1

It has come to my attention that thousands of protestors on yesterday's magnificent TROOPS OUT / NO TRIDENT demonstration used their mobile phones to buy the Tony Blair spoof record WAR – WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR? (See Tony Blair singing the song: http://www.uglyrumours.com)

The record is selling fast and all indications are that it will enter the pop charts on Sunday 4 March. This is a brilliant opportunity to get huge media coverage for this anti-war message and to raise funds to support Stop the War Coalition, which will receive all profits from the record.

We need your help. Join the many thousands who have already bought WAR – WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR? and we can get it into the Top 10. Buying the record is extremely simple. There are two methods:

If you have a mobile phone, all you have to do is text PEACE1 to 78789. This will charge £1.50 to your mobile phone bill and you will immediately get a text message explaining how you will receive WAR – WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?

To buy the record online, go to http://tinyurl.com/33j4oj and follow the instructions for downloading WAR – WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?

For just £1.50 you can get a prime minister (and necromancer of note!) into the charts with a song for peace, but of course we want to do more than embarrass Tony Blair. We want his warmongering in Iraq and Afghanistan to end immediately. We want to help stop plans to attack Iran. We think Tony Blair should be held accountable for war crimes. Getting the spoof Blair record into the Top 10 can play a part in publicising the anti-war message, which represents the view of the majority in this country who oppose the Bush-Blair wars.

Please buy WAR – WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR? now and encourage as many people as you can to do the same.

The Simpsons Quotes

In modern life it is important to learn from others. The most knowledgable family on this earth is the Simpsons. Hence I have added a little bar of quotations from them on the right of my blog, essentially in honour of their wisdom. To get your own free quote bar visit Simpson Quotes.

On Being Creative...

Being the creative voyager I am this caught my eye today: "Be brave enough to live creatively. The creative is the place where no one else has ever been. You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. You can't get there by bus, only by hard work, risking, and by not quite knowing what you're doing. What you'll discover will be wonderful: yourself" (Alan Alda).

Bright Sparks